QUESTION: I just adopted a kitty from your organization a short time ago. Although she snuggled with me and purred in the Adoption Center, now that she’s home she hides under the bed and hisses and growls at me. I am confused and upset by her behavior. I had hoped to have a loving, close relationship with my kitty, and she seems to want nothing to do with me. Help!
ANSWER: Your confusion and upset feelings are common and natural reactions for an adopter in the first days and weeks after adopting a new kitty. Expectations are high for the love affair to begin immediately or at least soon after the adoption. Cats, however, like many of us, need to have that love relationship built slowly, day after day, until they feel a safety in our presence that develops into trust and eventually blossoms into love.
There is a wonderful book for humans called “The Five Love Languages,” by Gary Chapman that provides understanding of what makes an individual person feel loved. Knowledge of what we can do on our part to have someone else feel safe, secure, and cherished improves relationships of all kinds, including with our pets.
We are often asked questions about how to do this by new cat adopters like you or those forming a relationship with a kitty who has little experience with humans. Each week we get phone calls about a newly adopted kitty or a stray. People ask how they can deal with a cat who is constantly hiding, hissing, or otherwise not “warming up” to his or her human. This is upsetting to the adopter or rescuer, as he or she will think, “She doesn’t like me,” or “He doesn’t like it here.” This is rarely the case.
Cats, as a species, are nervous about change. It is not the person or home they dislike but the unknown. They wonder, “Will I be safe here? Are the people and pets I am meeting friends or foes?” And we, on our part, are not really seeing the cats’ true personalities when they first enter our homes — we are seeing their fear. There are a number of things we can do to build a loving, trusting relationship with cats in this situation. So, based on our work with hundreds of cats, here is our version of Gary Chapman’s concepts, called “The Five FELINE Love Languages.”
One of Dr. Chapman’s human love languages is referred to as “Quality Time,” making sure you spend time doing things together that the other person enjoys. For a timid kitty, this translates to mean our spending quiet, calm time in her presence. This is not possible if the cat is given too much freedom at first and is running from hiding place to hiding place. A kitty suite should be set up before the cat’s arrival. This would be as small a room as possible, with a door, not gates. Powder rooms are ideal, though laundry rooms, offices, small bedrooms or even a large dog cage can be used. The important thing is that the cat has everything she needs in that space, including a hiding place that is readily accessible to you. We often use a cat carrier with a top that opens. Sitting in the room with the kitty while you are reading, knitting, etc., gets kitty used to your presence in a non-threatening way. Reading aloud in a soft voice is a great way to have kitty associate your voice with peace and comfort.
This leads into another love language. For humans it’s called “Words of Affirmation,” which involves speaking words of appreciation and gratitude. For cats, this affirmation can be non-verbal. Cats communicate with each other through eye contact. A stare is considered threatening, and if unbroken for a length of time, can result in one cat leaping on or attacking another because of the perceived threat. The opposite effect is achieved between cats by use of the “slow blink.” When one cat looks at another with soft eyes and slowly blinks, the other kitty often reciprocates with a slow blink. Try it with a nervous kitty – it works!
The third love language is called “Acts of Service.” Many spouses have discovered that anticipating the needs of the other and doing chores that need to be done, without being asked, is often the way to their mate’s heart! For cats, we know what they like and, for most cats, that’s interactive play. We may not always feel like waving that fishing pole toy around or flashing that laser light all over the room at the end of a long day, but we know cats love and need that outlet for their predatory nature. PLAY IS ONE OF THE BEST WAYS TO BOND WITH SHY KITTIES! They forget their nerves and can’t resist getting involved with you. Each day brings more and more rewards as they look forward to the interactive playtime that they only get when you make the effort.
Love language #4 is self-explanatory — “Gifts.” With a new kitty, you want her to see you as the “bearer of all good things.” Every time you come into her room, good things appear. It is critically important that you bring her food to her in two separate meals so that she looks forward to its arrival (and yours!). The only exception would be if the kitty is underweight, ill, etc., and needs continual nourishment to build her up. Otherwise, she looks forward to getting her meal from you. Pick up uneaten food after a specified time so she is hungry and eager for your next appearance.
Gifts can also be anything from an elaborate cat tree because you know kitty likes to be “up high,” to toy mice and balls, down to the particular cat treats she can’t resist. Many a cat’s heart has been won through special foods or treats. Try tossing them within her grasp at first, and then throwing them closer and closer to you until kitty is voluntarily coming to your side. You may think of this as bribery or that the cat “loves the food and not me.” Consider the child whose grandmother always makes special favorite foods when the child comes over. Does the child just love the foods, or isn’t it true that the child adores grandma because he knows, through her gifts of food, that he is adored? ‘Nuff said — it affects cats the same way!
Last, but not least, is the language of physical touch. With a shy or frightened cat who is not yet touchable, slowly reaching toward the cat, with the palm of your hand facing downwards, gives the kitty a chance to gingerly stretch her nose toward your hand. If she is hissing or backing up instead, try leaving your hand next to her bowl when she comes to eat. Then try gently brushing the back of your hand against her cheek. A heavy duty pair of padded work gloves (cats love the feel of the suede ones) are invaluable in starting physical touch with a very scared cat who may bat at you. Once successful touching begins, you can progress to petting, scratches, brushing, etc. Your kitty will show you what she likes!
In the world of human relationships, we know that loving partnerships are built by our words and actions. “Love at first sight” tends to be “attraction at first sight,” and we learn that mature love requires effort. The same is true of our relationships with our pets. We may choose a pet because we are attracted to what he or she looks like, but love can’t grow until we get to know and trust each other day by day. Unlike dogs who may love people who neglect or mistreat them, cats are choosy about those they entrust with their love. We have to earn it, and by doing so, we find the love is all the sweeter for it.
And how do we know that our kitties love us in return? By their purrs (Words of Affirmation), wanting to be near us (Quality Time), rubbing, snuggling, and head butts (Physical Touch), keeping bugs and rodents under control (Acts of Service) and dead things left on our doorstep or the favorite toy dropped at our feet (Gifts)!